For Your Information

You may be able to tell by my lack of posts, but I've been rather busy lately. For no other reason, then that I'm finally gainfully employed. Fucking finally, right? While sitting at my desk yesterday an obnoxious Microsoft Outlook pop-up alerted me to a new email. Like a good little monkey, I eagerly checked to see who'd contacted me. Quickly, I realized I'd been chosen for the "New Hire Spotlight," please see email below:

Hello Chris,

I wanted to welcome you to service source and let you know that I have chosen you for the new hire spotlight for the next scoop issue. If you could please send me some info about yourself for example:
Where you are originally from, where you went to school, your major, pets, hobbies and or siblings just some ideas.
Please answer these questions as well:

"One thing no one would ever guess about you? “
" If you could have dinner with anyone who would it be? “

Please send an appropriate picture of yourself that you would like me to use. Let me know if you have any questions and please respond by cob on Friday.

Thanks so much, :)

Ashley

What are the chances right? For someone that tries as hard as I do to fly under the radar, I'd been targeted and shot down. For real though, does anyone really want to be educated, however terse, on my life story mid piss? My saga is no more exciting than a trip to the local DMV, although, at times it seems to read somewhat like a mid-day soap opera. My question to you is: do I send a picture of Stalin or Hitler? I can't really decide which one defines me more. Jokes aside, here is my submission:

Hey Ash,

I was born in the back of 57' Chevy while driving on the 101 - My mom was a fast woman, and my dad, an even faster driver. My mother, a Bavarian whore, my father a traveling salesman specializing in ceramic shower curtain rings constantly fought over the last Zebra cake almost inevitably ending in a trip to the emergency room. Needless to say, they were parents of character.

I went to middle school in South Boston, otherwise known as "Southie", did I mention Ben Affleck is my best friend? After middle school, I decided the educational system had nothing more to offer me and deemed it necessary to write my memoirs on the back of a cocktail napkin at the local watering hole. After being brutally rebuffed by multiple publishing companies due to questionable sources, I self published my literature and was soon compared to Hunter S. Thompson, subtract the whole shotgun in the mouth episode and having my ashes shot out of a cannon. Did I mention Anthony Kedis is my other best friend?

As a capricious teen, my life on the streets led to my befriending of a feral cat, that I kindly referred to as Rabbles, due to his raging case of rabies. He died soon thereafter. I buried him adjacent to Jimmy Hoffa's body in the Hudson river using a cinder block and chains. In memory of him, I jailhouse tattooed his name on my eye lids which ultimately led to a bad case of hepatitis C.

Hobbies for me consisted mostly of playing the guitar in central park for change, turning tricks in Manhattan, and quenching my thirst for manifest destiny. In terms of siblings, I had sister that at the age of three crawled out the screen door declaring legal emancipation while taking the lord's name in vain. Insisting that she would return for sustenance, libations, and pipe tobacco the parental units allowed her to wander the streets in search of Donald Trump's secret to his world famous comb-over.

One thing you probably would never guess about me is that in my past life, I was actually a quadriplegic Olympian in the shot-put, breaking the world record of 3 meters. If I could have dinner with anyone, it would be Bono, soon thereafter culminating in a brutal round of curb stomping, Bono on bottom.

I hope this helps!

Chris

No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak