Friday, March 19, 2010

A Retrospective - Tiger Woods You Are a Putz


For the world’s most focused and intelligent golfer, you are dumb as fuck when it comes to having multiple affairs. Repeat this with me: get head out of ass, and then fornicate with half the wait staff in America. My question is, did he tip them 20% after? Another thing that bothered me is, if you were going to cheat, why these women? He took a serious step down in comparison to his wife. If you're going to commit adultery and put all that you have on the line, have the deceny to do it with a smoking hottie. Jersey-chasing socialites that work as club promoters would not have been my first choice. He may have been on to something with the pornstar. I will give him that.

Christ Tiger, you could go to New Guinea and would still be recognized. They might confuse him with Barack Obama, but still. He is considered one of the, if not the most, recognizable people on earth. If he was a brand, he'd be Coca Cola.

I can’t help but think that Tiger was going out of his way to create a problem for himself. Was he actively searching for his own complete and utter downfall? People with too much money tend to do crazy shit, or maybe he wasn’t getting the Tiger-required slew of press attention? It has always been my opinion that people with perfect lives sometimes find them too perfect and look for disastrous ways out.

Most men can’t handle their one significant other. Can you imagine having five girls asking you to go out and buy them tampons? Maybe Woods has some masochistic fantasies that includes torturing himself with lady-drama. At least with hookers they are paid to leave and…this is key Tiger, (are you taking notes?)to keep their mouths shut. If he had just gone the sleazy route and taken cues from people, such as Charlie Sheen and Hugh Grant, he might have been able to conceal some of sexual faux pas's. The question that still remains is whether he will be remembered as the great philanderer that had a decent golf swing, or simply just the greatest golfer to walk the course?

To be purely tangental, sex addiction is a complete and utter copout and regardless of this fact, I still like to think that the great sexually addicted triumvirate- Tiger Woods, David Duchovany, and Charlie Sheen all sitting around at sex rehab laughing and telling in-depth stories about dephiling women and their future carnal escapades, possible foursome there? Tiger calls shotgun ass, he does always performs well when he plays the back nine.

They’re looking to legitimize a “disease” that isn’t even recognized by the bona fide medical community, while digging for sympathy from anyone stupid enough to swallow some of the human interest journalism that makes me throw up in my mouth a little each day. The only thing they would get from me is a solid kick in the gonads. Congratulations, guys for cheating on your super sexy and faithful wives and consequently reverting the entire male sex back to the hairy ape men that we once were.

Women no longer trust us due to indiscretion by public figures like these, and indirectly halting all random acts of sexual promiscuity men like me might get. Are you happy Tiger? I blame Woods personally for my sexual drought. It started the second his scandal broke, coincidence? I think not. I don’t have millions of dollars to lure women in that these guys do. Talk about fishing with dynamite. While women have been incrementally improving themselves over the years, it seems men are dead set on regressing through acts blatant of idiocy.

What drives me truly crazy is that these social calamaties may make these notable figures more famous than ever. They do good, they become famous, they do bad, they become infamous. How the fuck is that fair? I wish I could take a giant shit on my fan base and not only would they thank me, they would ask for seconds. Such is the life of a celebrity. No apologies, I Don’t Think Before I Speak

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