For Your Information

You may be able to tell by my lack of posts, but I've been rather busy lately. For no other reason, then that I'm finally gainfully employed. Fucking finally, right? While sitting at my desk yesterday an obnoxious Microsoft Outlook pop-up alerted me to a new email. Like a good little monkey, I eagerly checked to see who'd contacted me. Quickly, I realized I'd been chosen for the "New Hire Spotlight," please see email below:

Hello Chris,

I wanted to welcome you to service source and let you know that I have chosen you for the new hire spotlight for the next scoop issue. If you could please send me some info about yourself for example:
Where you are originally from, where you went to school, your major, pets, hobbies and or siblings just some ideas.
Please answer these questions as well:

"One thing no one would ever guess about you? “
" If you could have dinner with anyone who would it be? “

Please send an appropriate picture of yourself that you would like me to use. Let me know if you have any questions and please respond by cob on Friday.

Thanks so much, :)

Ashley

What are the chances right? For someone that tries as hard as I do to fly under the radar, I'd been targeted and shot down. For real though, does anyone really want to be educated, however terse, on my life story mid piss? My saga is no more exciting than a trip to the local DMV, although, at times it seems to read somewhat like a mid-day soap opera. My question to you is: do I send a picture of Stalin or Hitler? I can't really decide which one defines me more. Jokes aside, here is my submission:

Hey Ash,

I was born in the back of 57' Chevy while driving on the 101 - My mom was a fast woman, and my dad, an even faster driver. My mother, a Bavarian whore, my father a traveling salesman specializing in ceramic shower curtain rings constantly fought over the last Zebra cake almost inevitably ending in a trip to the emergency room. Needless to say, they were parents of character.

I went to middle school in South Boston, otherwise known as "Southie", did I mention Ben Affleck is my best friend? After middle school, I decided the educational system had nothing more to offer me and deemed it necessary to write my memoirs on the back of a cocktail napkin at the local watering hole. After being brutally rebuffed by multiple publishing companies due to questionable sources, I self published my literature and was soon compared to Hunter S. Thompson, subtract the whole shotgun in the mouth episode and having my ashes shot out of a cannon. Did I mention Anthony Kedis is my other best friend?

As a capricious teen, my life on the streets led to my befriending of a feral cat, that I kindly referred to as Rabbles, due to his raging case of rabies. He died soon thereafter. I buried him adjacent to Jimmy Hoffa's body in the Hudson river using a cinder block and chains. In memory of him, I jailhouse tattooed his name on my eye lids which ultimately led to a bad case of hepatitis C.

Hobbies for me consisted mostly of playing the guitar in central park for change, turning tricks in Manhattan, and quenching my thirst for manifest destiny. In terms of siblings, I had sister that at the age of three crawled out the screen door declaring legal emancipation while taking the lord's name in vain. Insisting that she would return for sustenance, libations, and pipe tobacco the parental units allowed her to wander the streets in search of Donald Trump's secret to his world famous comb-over.

One thing you probably would never guess about me is that in my past life, I was actually a quadriplegic Olympian in the shot-put, breaking the world record of 3 meters. If I could have dinner with anyone, it would be Bono, soon thereafter culminating in a brutal round of curb stomping, Bono on bottom.

I hope this helps!

Chris

No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

I'm In The Wrong Profession

Why is is it that musicians, mainly rappers, get paid millions of dollars to throw a few words together that lack any profound statement or depth? Writers have things to say, insights to make, revelations about the lives we live. This is the stuff deserving of great reward, not lyrics that invokes degradation of women and the consumption of Courvoisier and Cristal, two sub-par liquors.

There are so many things to read that would provide a person with edifying information and instead of taking advantage we've resigned ourselves to bouncing our head to a few computerized beats, complemented by language, that in quality, closely resembles what is written in the National Inquierer. Like good little lemmings we've adapted our consumption habits to targeted marketing with questionable intentions, making a cadre of people rich that I wouldn't even want to be associated with.

It would be a harsh generalization to criticize all these "artists" but I think we can collectively agree that most of the final products fall short of anything culturaly prodigious. I'm as guilty as anyone, I partake in listening to it, although for me it is more for background noise, and less something to spend an immense amount of time analyzing. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

You Don't Follow? Neither Do I

Writing is not a dialectic thought process, it's scattered with lateral inquiries, non linear expounding. For these very reasons, I sit in awe of those that can write novels. My mind is that of a daydreamer, I'm here one moment, gone the next. The pensive ability to write a concisely articulate manifesto has never been within my grasp, and might never be, usurping me for eternity. Give me a computer, a blurb about a current event and you'll have an elucidated opinion piece, voila!, complete with a healthy smattering of humor and self degradation.

Writing that's been planned to a T is both boring to read and transparently contrived. Being put on the spot is where you find the most raw of epiphanies. They're broken down into their most simple of forms, no time for complexities and derivatives, or to mask the naked truth of what you really desire to say. I know it sounds like I'm advocating not thinking, nay, I'm saying go with your visceral instinct and you're ablution will be that much more gratifying.

I find on a daily basis, that I'm looking around, observing insignificant things about people, buildings, minute details that neither matter nor anyone else cares to notice. Has my mind slipped into a realm of existence where I break everything down for my own satisfaction? Why has my mind moved into this alternate reality and am I the only one here? Is my mind on the search for perpetual stimulation or has the hand of senility prematurely ensnared me within it's grasps? I can't help but think that my left "handedness" has doomed me in a right-handed world; like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Each day feels like on step closer to a mental purgatory , as if everyone's aware of some secret I'm utterly unaware of, adding dramatic irony to an already ardent pilgrimage. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

In The Land Of Ken And Barbie

At what point did people become so uncomfortable in their own skin? Instead of focusing on the here-and-the-now we're fixated on the superficial details. There's a distinct difference between self-awareness and being completely conceited, based on silly mental complexes. I hate to sound like a broken record, or a therapist for that matter, but these are social constructions developed by those that are uncomfortable with their own meager existence. They build these walls and impasses so they can justify throwing rocks from their own glass houses, built of solace and resentment.

The human populace, the world across, is teetering on the edge of implosion. Most people never get the chance to be judged by others because they're too busy looking themselves in the mirror, pointing out perceived latent flaws. Recently, I met a girl that's father did penis implants. No longer has vanity been restricted to the public image, it's now manifested itself in the most personal of places, the bedroom. This statement applies predominately to the female sex and their obsession for harder more perky chesticles. You may die, but your boobs will live on forever. Doesn't it bother anyone that grandma has nicer boobs than your girlfriend does? I find it ludicrous.

All women are beautiful in their own right, beyond the inspection of tits and ass. As Hank Moody once said, I love all women, whether for ten minutes or ten years, I love them all. There is something lovable in all women, whether it be a distinct characteristic, physical attribute or some adorable quirky idiosyncrasy. These are not to be taken for granted, they're to be exposed and fortified. Instead of embracing these protruding nail heads, as they are, society is slowing hammering down any sign of individualism, largely related to aesthetics. Any girl I decide to date, doesn't need to be capable of hanging my towel from her perfectly shaped boobs or glow in the dark, being fake on the outside indicates a deeper psychosis, or more bluntly, the girl is fucked in the head.

I'm not gong to say god made you a certain way, or that you were created in his image. For some reason, though, you were supposed to exist as you are, why fight it? I'm not going to wax intellectual to why religion is poison or about my own agnostic biases, I'm simply throwing out the idea that by manipulating your body, ultimately you're also changing your state of consciousness. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

I'll Be The Tortoise, You Be The Hair

You ever get the feeling that life is passing you by? My sense of paranoia has given birth to the acute awareness concerning the plethora of advanced degrees and life maneuvers people in my age group are procuring. Its hard not to, when they so eloquently throw it in your face, via social networking sites. You all know who you are. Is there some race to the finish line in life that I wasn’t made aware of? We all face the same ominous fate. Many kids in my class are either done with a secondary degrees or are nearing the culmination of a doctorate, while each day I feel that my regression is nearly complete. Would college have been our first choice had it not been a social construction or some fucking pre-conceived axiom?

There’s an inkling I have that there are two distinct parties within this cadre of overachievers, one is the highly motivated sycophantic brown-noser that has always wanted to be _____ insert world-changing profession here, and the second group, people that took a shot in the dark because they were scared shitless of being shaken from the proverbial parental tit, ill prepared to face the daunting task of fitting into the hierarchy, and many hues of mediocrity. I don’t say this disparagingly. Ok, maybe I'm taking a little pot shot at these people. There are going to be some very discontented people who figure out that they just spent six figures for a career path they no longer desire and could have avoided this gaffe for $12 at the local Borders. What happens then? You become a slave to the system. I’d rather work a job that uses 10 percent of my brain, that leaves the rest of it for me, than work a job that uses all my brain and leaves nothing for my own salvation.

Don’t take my lack of direction as a reversion to apathy. I’m simply not satisfied with just being "ok." I will find what I’m looking for at the end of my personal odyssey. I once fell for the psycho-babble bullshit, deeming it noble to chase what you love. That’s not always feasible and not always the best advice. Look at Hitler, he was doing what he loved. Imagine if someone had advised him to be a doctor, World War II averted. Take these platitudes with a critical vantage point, most people don’t love what they do. Denizen’s lack of satisfaction with work, is the number one complaint in America. Does this really surprise anyone? Hasty school and job decisions are direct players in this heinous statistic. Feigning knowledge of the occupational sublime would be, at best, a theory based on nothing more than mere empirical evidence.

I, without fail, get to play 20 fucking questions nearly every week. Invariably, the conversation comes to the same conclusion in relation to my current life aspirations and goals and that would be-I don’t know. For many mothers and fathers that believe I'm courting their daughters, this is not a sufficient answer, their pupils dilate coupled with a look of totally bewilderment. They urn for more, an extrapolation on the “profane” statement I’ve just made, as if this answer isn’t lucid enough? No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I speak

I'm Steve Stilfer, Who Are You?

If there was every a movie that defined our generation, it would be American pie. The insight into our superficially myopic view on life, largely motivated by sexual exploration of promiscuity hit the nail a on the head. I remember it clearly. Freshman year of high school the first American Pie came to viewers everywhere, loathed by the critics, unanimously relished by the teenage nation.

Many may disagree, but I mark this movie as a shift in cinematic humor. It swung for the fences, allowing humorous situations stand for themselves, without feeling the need for bombastic deadpan banter. A film ubiquitous with middle America, cul-de-sac's, unbuttoned flannel shirts, and heinously amorphous skateboard shoes. It, like many hit movies, was quoted into oblivion, causing many, such as myself, to put this one on the shelf for awhile. Other movies that have joined it are: Old School, Anchorman, and pretty much any movie from the Frat pack. I guess that's the risk you run when you write a screenplay complete with pleasurably quotable aphorisms.

The best way to ruin a good movie is to over quote it. Do people really assume that their tone and mannerisms will thwart those of the highly paid actors that comprise these films? Leave the acting to the professionals, we've all undoubtedly seen these movies anyway. The reason I still love this movie is, because it's a constant reminder of the anticipation felt before an illicit soiree, the zeal of the first sexual encounter, and all the painfully awkward situations that come to fruition in the search for personal identity.

There's no question, this film was cheesy and hyperbolic at times, complete with monologues packed with verbiage most high school students will never fully comprehend. It was a film that gave hope to everyone, the jocks, the social pariahs, and yes even the average guy still clutching to his sexual innocence. You'd be hard pressed to meet someone that hasn't seen this movie and found some way to enjoy it. It'll be considered part of the cinematic cannon in the years to come, joining the coterie of movies, such as Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink, films of teenage angst the generation before us looked to for social constructions, dictating appropriate youth behavior in all it's capriciousness. A classic it may not be, excuse my inclination to over do it.

These films possess far more influence than most understand. As a student of media, fully equipped with a journalism degree, I've seen the results of this social experiment. Even in college, rarely a night would go by that a drinking bout wouldn't incorporate some type of botched cinematic quotation, indubitably culminating with the imbibing of some alcoholic concoction. I did my best to refrain from being one of these vapid souls and simply reverted back to "cheers." Claiming these movies didn't alter my own behavior would be an utter lie, so I won't do that. American Pie also did a superb job of choosing accompanying music, the songs to this day, envoke a stream of emotions and a montage of girls, drinks, and nights long past. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Isn't Gas Expensive Enough Already?

By now, everyone is keenly aware of the environmental issue coming to fruition in the Gulf Mexico. There are a couple lessons to be learned from this and the first and foremost would be to require safety valves similar to the ones used by nearly all other oil rigs around the world, be utilized in rigs off the American coast. Had this valve been in place, you can bet your ass we wouldn't have an oil spill that's being compared to the Mobile Valdez catastrophe. The second edifying lesson is, that we shouldn't turn our back on off shore drilling at the first sign of adversity. Imagine if we had turned our back on space exploration after the first failed mission? Barack Obama needs to heed this as a warning and a lesson learned, he should not back down from another energy initiative. Have you noticed the lack of Ethanol rhetoric? (thank god)

I think we can all agree, that offshore drilling isn't the answer to our long term energy needs. It's a shortsighted stop-gap with a couple potential positives. It isn't deepening the pockets of Middle Eastern OPEC members while simultaneously helping alleviate the American people of high energy costs. This exploration is, at the very minimum, worth a second try.

I've been impressed with BP's response to this dire emergency. They've submitted to both incur all spill related costs, which includes lost pay for those employed by the sea. In addition, BP has spear-headed the effort to thwart the dissemination of oil towards land. My question for those reading is, did Obama act in a timely and presidential manner? Does this represent his hurricane Katrina?

In contrast, when the administration did decide to act, I was impressed with the President's hard nosed stance towards this natural disaster. His resolve that all responsibility fall on BP, was nothing short of valiant. Discourse outlining the effort was strong and decisive in a way I haven't seen from Obama, since the primaries. This may be due to perceived pressure felt from his own party and from the right that he needs to rule with an iron fist. His passive response to international spats has many, including myself, questioning the pose in which he administrates. This should have been a home run, a hasty contingency plan employed resulting in Obama looking like a friend to the oil industry and a savior to mother earth. Instead, in my eyes he's in no better a place than he was before. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I speak

Fenway Park

I traveled to Boston last weekend and attended a night Red Sox game, under the lights. I'd forgotten what a magical place it is, from the heavy Boston accents yelling "Fenway franks here!" to the green monster, it's an overload of visual and auditory stimulation. I sang Neil Diamond during the eighth inning and left in procession to the words of "Dirty Water." Needless to say, this was the ultimate sporting experience for a Red Sox fan. This Park is in a league of it's own, only joined by Chicago's Wrigley field. A few years back, there was discussion of building a new Fenway in a different location. To me, this is sacrilegious hog-wash, and since then, each year, Fenway has added more seats to improve the park and it's capacity, consequently ending any such talk of a move. Moving Fenway would be a disaster, irking many of the fans that have made it such a great place to see a ballgame.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

For those that voted for Barack Obama, has he turned out to be the president you thought he would? Or more simply, is he adhering to the agenda originally proposed to his constituents? I didn't vote for him and I wasn't excited about some of his policy stances, largely energy related, and he's turned out to be more moderate than I ever expected. Some of that, could be attributed to the upcoming mid-term elections and the realization he may be losing some of his liberal cronies. By taking a more central demeanor, he's appeasing both sides of the political sphere, specifically one group that's growing quickly-moderate independents, a group that I most closely identify.

I also didn't put him on a pedestal, portraying him as the Jesus of politics. It's no surprise to me that many are disapointed with the results of his first year and a half in office. When you create such lofty expectations for one man, what do you expect? He's not going to revolutinize the poltical system through some liberal coup, so forget it. What many don't seem to understand is, thirty years ago, Barack Obama would be a moderate republican. Recently, I was listening to a podcast on this topic and I couldn't help but agree with this epiphany. Think about it, Offshore drilling? Nuclear energy expansion? Sounds like a republican to me and I haven't even addressed our military aspirations. His liberal social policies mixed with his recent open minded energy position, has me thinking, don't Barack Obama and John McCain have a lot in common? Would my vote, going to either party, have created the same result in terms of policies? Quite possibly, yes.

Just as an example, Justice Stevens of the Supreme Court, recently retired will be replaced in the near future, was thought to be the liberal lion of the supreme court. A very little known nugget of information is, that he's a Republican. This demonstrates exactly the quagmire created by constantly shifting political ilks.

Is Barack Obama a great president? No, at least not yet. His vacillating motivations and his less than hard-nosed foreign affairs attitude concerns me. Could he be great? Absolutely. One of his greatest qualities is his potential for an illustrious career and to right the ship of American politics. He ran on three pillars during the election, he's partially completed one and with a democratic congress that's about to lose a few friendly seats, I don't see him ramming the others through, especially in a single term. Guantanamo Bay is open and we still have troops in multiple Middle Eastern countries. Regardless of these hardships, there are certain intangibles that make him a man of magnanimous importance, his charisma and regal nature, to name a few. For now, I'm more impressed by his rhetoric and persuasive prowess and less by actual political action. Let's see if he can change my view. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I speak

Can You Be Addicted to Premium Cable?

No secret to anyone that knows me, I love premium television shows. Its not the Taxi Cab Confessions or Strip Club Divas, its premium shows with running plots that draw my attention and admiration. There are two in particular everyone should see, Californication and Dexter. Hands down, two of the best currently running shows on television. I might go as far as to say that they are two of the best shows ever. Premium television has far better writers, deeper pockets, and as results show, spawn cinematic masterpieces. If you don't have cable, join us in the 21st century, sack up, and have it installed. You'll thank me later.

Californication, for those that haven't seen it, follows the life of a New York writer living in Los Angeles. He's a rocker, a father, and a lazy writer with an attitude on the brink of stolid. It focuses on his struggles with living the family life and his un-relenting thirst for random fornication. A coming of age tale, depicting the arduous maturation process of moving from a man-child to a nurturing parent, capable of supporting those that care for him. His inner battle and egocentric behavior directly contends with the family that always takes him back. A mix of sexual inuendos and deadpan humor, this show is a hit.

I can't help but think that this role isn't much of a stretch for Duchovny. Is he truly acting? In my opinion, he's getting to live his dream life, through a medium that won't land him in the tabloids or in jail. This guy is a horn-dog that would most likely would hump your leg in public if it weren't for the paparazzi constantly watching him like hawks, hoping for some type of sexual indiscretion. Don't get me wrong, I find myself empathising with his situation and his reclusive outlook on life, not to mention his bold skill of saying whatever he wants, when he wants. I relate with the Hell's Angels at times, so that might indicate I'm just as crazy.

I digress, two supporting characters make this show possible. One is Duchovny's love interest, who is so strikingly and seductively beautiful it's hard to look away, and the wily talent agent, making textbook mistakes at ever turn while simultaneously playing lap dog companion to Duchovany's character. The side plot that follows his deteriorating marriage is almost as enthralling as the family dynamic seen in David's life. Without these two, the show would not be what it is. The scenarios depicted are blatantly bold and outlandish, they dare go where most shows will not. It's so perverse, I can only assume the writers are living their dreams vicariously. Dropping this summer will be a new season, highly anticipated by me and I can imagine, many others. If you haven't already, rent an episode, sign up for cable, either way it would behoove you not to miss this one.

Dexter is about a sociopath working for the Miami Police Department. He uses his convenient status as a blood spatter analyst to research killers which he subsequently tracks down and murders himself, in a traditionally sacrificial manner. The obsessive compulsive behavior present in his work is also evident in his punitive, rogue activism, or is it the other way around? He uses death as a mental release from the boredom that surrounds his seemingly pristine and taciturn day-to-day life. The problem Dexter realizes early in his life is his unique numbness to the realm of human emotions. Killing is his only act based on emotive urges.

You find yourself cheering for a Dexter regardless of his carnal addictions. The rationalization used is, to some, logical. He's doing something that the legal and criminal system is un-willing to do. I can't help but agree with him-some people deserve to die. You won't see me out there in a black cape, swinging from buildings anytime soon, as a staunch pacifist it might conflict with my life mantra.

Dexter differs from Californication in a few different ways. One is that, you feel alone with Dexter. His narration of the show creates a sense that you are inside his head, adding dramatic irony. You're informed of vital tid bits that the other characters are un aware of. His secondary life and world exists in his head for a majority of the show, that is, until he's able to slip away for a moment of murderous indulgence. Some people say they don't want to watch it, due to its drab theme, to those I respond, it actually has comedic value sometimes dark in nature, but humor none the less. This show has something for everyone, humor, suspense, action, and throws a curve ball at the exact moment when you think you have the plot pegged.

In conclusion, if you're looking to add new shows to your viewing repertoire, these two should be on the top of your list. They are commercial free and don't adhere to the same censorship rules as prime time television. Is anyone else excited for the return of Entourage, Hung, and True Blood this summer? I am. Sunday nights are something to look forward to once again. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

News Flash, John Kerry Lost

Recently, I was out driving and a car passed me, smeared with political bumper stickers and I thought to myself-what a moron. I found myself asking, why are these cars always the biggest pieces of shit on the road? You can always tell the mentally deficient members within each political party, they're the ones with bumper stickers. A saying comes to mind, "the loudest person the room, is also the weakest person in the room." I won't even address the educational gaps apparent in this issue.

Political t-shirts are equal in their ability to prove exactly how dumb the person is that's wearing it. Do you really need to wear your political agenda on your chest? I've heard of wearing your emotions on your sleeve. When did this apply to politics? I don't feel the need to force people to know my ideological leanings and I find people that do, extremely obnoxious. Get over yourself and keep politics within friends and family, or simply those that give a shit.

These aren't the appropriate forums to display your political standing. This group of people simply want attention or like to get into heated arguments about political policy with strangers on the street, either way its desperate. I still see idiots with John Kerry stickers, peeling and slightly sun dyed hanging from their dirty vehicles. Get a new fucking car or learn to scrape the sticker off, lazy-ass democrats. The difference is, that republicans know when they've lost and they remove the stickers appropriately.

Democrats leave the stickers on as a last act of defiance. Kerry, talk about the weakest, gold digging, vacillating, limousine-liberal. Is it just me, or does it say punch me in face on his forehead? And you know who I elect to do it, Maverick himself, John fucking McCain. I still assert that John McCain could have won the election in 2008. Before you jump all over me for this comment let me nuance this statement. Minus the gun touting moron from Alaska and had he stuck to his political temperament from the 2000 election he could have crushed Obama on the swing vote.

Sarah Palin was the first nail in the coffin for his campaign. It was like he was a ghost riding a car off a cliff. He had only met her twice before electing her as his Vice Presidential candidate. What happened to Mr. McCain? Were the Republican higher-ups slipping something into his coffee that made him tow the party line? It was like night and day with him, one day he's Luke Skywalker and the next he's Darth Vader taking a trip in the death star. I realize this article is all over the place and for that I don't apologize. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Sweet Home Colorado

"Boulder might be the closest a college town is to heaven - and not just because it is located at 5430 feet of rocky mountain high altitude. It is 27 square miles of relief from reality."

- Sports Illustrated


Sports Illustrated might not have been embellishing as much as many think. I had the pleasure of spending five years in boulder and I may just be a recent graduate relishing the college days that have passed me by, but in my mind there few towns that even come close. Two towns that I've heard rival Boulder are Austin, Texas and Eugene, Oregon and I hope to venture out there soon to check em' out. I recently left Boulder to see what else the world had to offer and in my opinion, Boulder trumps all. Let me tell you a few reasons why.

First I would like to say, those that speak ill of boulder are transparently bitter or just have forgotten how to have a good time. It's tough not to get consumed by the hedonistic opportunities at every corner. Each night, you could find an amazing bistro, followed by a wine or tequila bar with speciality drinks. Options are plentiful and run the gamut, ranging from The Kitchen, a European inspired restaurant, to Southern Sun Brewery, whose burgers could convert any staunch vegetarian. With over 500 bars and restaurants you'd be hard pressed to find yourself forced to eat at a chain, ubiquitous with many city eateries. Even if you did, there's always Chipotle, a Colorado based company, noted for it's fresh ingredients and high quality meats. Even the chain restaurants are better. There's a fast-food burger place that serves organic beef, does it get any better than that? Only in boulder can you justify eating fast-food, a town that most resembles heaven.

There are a few things that do irk some denizens: high taxes, the environmental police and a road system that is impossibly convoluted. Going east to west in Boulder is like getting to surf the internet un-censored in china. And sometimes the crazy liberal leftists and transient vagabond mountain-men make you wish that sterilization was legal.

Living there after college will most likely leave you poor and happy, over educated and under employed. In my mind, I'd take that any day. I'll see all soon, Boulderites!

Opening Day - RED SOX

I wouldn't be much of a fan if I didn't post something about Red Sox' opening day. We kick the season off tonight 8:05pm, at home, against the much hated bombers from the Bronx. This series has a way of setting a precedent for the rest of the season. If we drop all three games, the sportscasters will speculate our lack of offense is a concern. And, if we win, they will sing a very different tune about our much improved defense. What will be the outcome? My prediction is that the Red Sox will take two of three. The third game will be a run-fest, the evil empire coming out on top.

Being part of "Red Sox Nation" is more than wins and loses, its about tradition, fun, and the great American pastime. The players that compile this lineup truly enjoy playing the game. I have never seen a team with such camaraderie and rapport. Many of these players, most notably Youkilus and Pedroia, could have signed with other organizations for larger contracts. They chose to stay with the Red Sox for two reasons, one is that they want to win and the second, the magical atmosphere, that defines Fenway Park. The rustic ballpark, the die hard fans that come out rain or shine, and lets not forget Neil Diamond and Sweet Caroline. A feeling of family consists within this fan base that certainly doesn't exist within the superficial Yankee market.

That being said, anyone who says the Red Sox don't spend a lot on players is lying. We do spend a lot, just no where close to what the Yankees spend. They spent nearly $80 million more than we did last season and we haven't cracked the top three payrolls for years. Each season, the Red Sox make active moves to decrease their annual payroll to avoid excess taxes. Do you have any idea how many super stars you could get per season for 80 million dollars? You could have two more A-Rods with money to spare. What this tells me, is that the Yankees are overspending on talent that is undeserving. Basically, they don't think before they sign players and that their farm system is pretty much garbage. I can't help but rip on a team that I've hated for over twenty years. You rarely see the Yankees having fun when they play, its purely business for them. When the Sox take the field they're smiling, screwing around, basically expressing their keen understanding that baseball is a game to be enjoyed by everyone.

Tonight, the Red Sox will have a re-tooled defense and offense, the offense will rely largely on small ball. They won't be hitting as much for home runs, but for production of runs. This will come as a shock to those that are used to the home run hitting machines that won a World Series in 2004 and 2007. This in no way means that we can't win a championship. Look at what the Rays have done for years. They play small ball, steal bases, and manufacture runs. This type of baseball is highly affective, and hard to prevent unless you have lights out pitching, and even that can't prevent the bunt.

The hype surrounding our predicted run-production this season is overly hyperbolic and premature, lest we forget David Ortiz, JD Drew, and Youkilus, who all can hit for power. You can bet your ass that Cameron and Pedroia will add some HR's to the mix, as well. Jason Bay recently commented on the Red Sox, saying we were going to be fine. This coming after a less than amicable contract negotiation.

I truly believe we'll win more than ninety games this season. We don't need to win a 100 games to impress anyone. The last two times we won the World Series, we only won around ninety five games during the regular season. The Red Sox get things done, it may not be as pretty as the Yankees, but what fun would that be? We'll grind out runs, steal bases and have a great time doing it. The AL East is going to be an all out war zone this season and should prove to be fun to watch. GO RED SOX!!!!!!
No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Online Job Hunting

Getting a job online is about as probable as finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The application process is an abyss in which you throw your resume, a deep dark hole so impersonal that reply emails are few and far between. This is a caveat, if you may, for those that spend countless hours sending electronic resumes. My suggestion is, use every connection you never knew you had. Hit up friends from college, high school, hell even pre-school works. Your dog-walker knows a guy? Great! Jump all over that shit. The only potential issue I've noticed recently, is that with a spoiled job market, connections might not be enough to even land you an interview.

My father owns his own business and my mother is science related which means that my connections will never come from within my family. Sucks, right? So as of now, I'm right there in the abyss with you. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

I Don't Want to Grow Up, I'm a Toy's R Us Kid

This morning, per usual, I was sitting on my stoop with a hot cup of Italian coffee and the weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal. Much to my surprise, instead of being delivered my much anticipated Wall Street Journal, I received the Washington Post. Digesting this periodical folly took me a few minutes, pre-coffee consumption. Anyways once this idea settled, I pulled the paper from its plastic bag and was instantly tantalized by a front page article, a diatribe of Generation Y. Titillating as it was, I have a few questions for everyone. Why do historians and pundits feel it necessary to categorize age groups? It only muddies the water. These generational definitions are harder than ever to define. I find that many people have a hard time placing themselves in their own set categorization. What about the people that stand at the extreme ends of each generational group, that don't really associate? Are these people just floating around without their totally arbitrary marking? This aside, the article was analyzing work trends or, should I say weaknesses of the newly graduated workforce. It seems that many see us as lazy, demanding, and underachieving. We also would trade higher pay for more time off. Why can't we have both?

First and foremost, I'd like to say - go fist yourself, critics. Second, my generation is fully aware of the areas in which we need improvements, but thanks for pointing it out. We will find out bearings yet. In no doubt, this article was written by a baby boomer that's filling a position I should have, thanks again, asshole. It seems to me, and this may be totally trite, but our parents are totally to blame. They grew up with post WWII parents who smothered them with high demands and expectations for their children. They used their indoctrinated, hellish childhoods as cautionary tales for their own impending parenthood. We grew up in families with lower standards that didn't emphasize the same level of ethics and morals.

Ok, don't get me wrong, I didn't shit in my hand and smear it on the wall as a kid, I certainly had some hierarchy and discipline. Don't take this as my call for fascist austerity and I'm definitely not advocating corporal punishment. I do wish that my parents had been more clear about what I should be doing with my life. It in no way matched the militaristic structure many baby-boomers faced at home. Can you blame them for the counter-culture movement, Woodstock, and bell-bottom pants?

I can't draw the conclusion that we are just a product of our upbringing without discussing the influence media has on our sense of entitlement. Media targeted to our age group emphasizes get rich quick, retire young. As good little sheep we've tried to emulate this idea in whatever way is the quickest and easiest. Our apparent lack of moral and ethical responsibility, as this article specified, may bear some responsibility. Not only that, but we were once predicted to be a prolific generation with the rise of technology. Will the tool with which our skills are demanded , be the ultimate downfall of Generation Y? If our age group has a tech obsession, just wait for the tween generation, their like crack addicts about their toys.

This post is a perfect example of my penchant for rambling criticisms and somewhat perplexing statements. This article sent me off in a furry of thoughts and tangents. I couldn't help myself, they seem to have a finger on the pulse of our age group and we should all realize that post college employment will be a painful and agonizing integration of us and them. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Its a Fucking Pig, Not A Poodle

This post is in response to the people that are buying miniature pigs as pets. First, you are sick and second, get a fucking life.

Certain animals shouldn’t be domesticated. Specifically in this case, the miniature pig. Killer whales comes to mind as another animal that probably shouldn’t be put in an oversized pool while being poked and proded by handlers at sea world.They aren’t dogs, so stop trying to teach them tricks. The pig is an animal used for cultivation, slaughter, and consumption, nothing more.

They aren't a replacement for the man's best friend. They're traded as a commodity on the stock market, for crying out loud. This is one of the dumbest fads, since uggs and sweatpants. Just wait until your pet pig decides to eat all your shoes, shit in your dishwasher and use your toilet as a troth. You’ll be thinking less about adopting one and more about turning the little fucker into bacon and pork chops. Just buy a fucking dog or cat like everyone else and stop trying to be trendy. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I speak

My Son Will Never Be a Choir Boy

It has come to my attention that the Catholic church feels that it can do anything it pleases without any threat of reprisal. This is a man-made institution that has duped millions of brain-washable idiots into believing anything it says. When are we going to put a stop to the perverse acts committed by these self proclaimed prophets? Child rape causes long lasting effects, such as distrust, trouble regulating emotions, and general feelings of "uselessness." Many doctors have theorized that it becomes difficult for kids that have been raped to sustain stable relationships later in life, due to trust issues. Can you blame them? No, but we can do something about it.

The rest of the common world has come to the conclusion that sexually abusing young boys is a big "no no," when are the supporters of this evil monarchy going to take a second look at what they're supporting both directly and indirectly? What really grinds my gears is that because of the divine nature of the church, many of these violations go un-reported. You can draw the conclusion that many go un-disclosed because of shame, but I believe there are many that would rather stick their head's in the sand than really deal with the issues at hand.

This time it looks like the pope himself is involved with the voluntarily covering up of one of his cronies, or at the very minimum turning a blind-eye. This makes me ponder the question, has the pope himself taken a more active role in these rapes? Has he helped to quell the issue due to sick empathy? To make matters worse, the boys in question were disabled. Yes you read it, high ranking church officials were taking advantage of young boys that couldn't hear. You sick fucks! Like these boys don't have enough issues trying to adapt to a life without sound?

Here's an account from one of the victims,

"Victims give similar accounts of Father Murphy’s pulling down their pants and touching them in his office, his car, his mother’s country house, on class excursions and fund-raising trips and in their dormitory beds at night,” Goodstein wrote. “Arthur Budzinski said he was first molested when he went to Father Murphy for confession when he was about 12, in 1960."(http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/28/opinion/28dowd.html?sudsredirect=true)

This gives you an idea of the breadth of indiscretions. This wasn't just a "one time thing" or a mistake, this was flat out child manipulation and rape. The people of this country and other countries around the world, Germany specifically, should decisively and aggressively take action. In my honest opinion one of the best things we could do for the world, is to dismantle the Catholic church altogether. It has done nothing but ravage the minds and lives of millions. Taking much and giving little, but false hope to those disenfranchised or too young to understand. It's time we stop them from preying on the weak and weak-minded. Hell, if we can pass health care reform, we can put an end to the Catholic church, if not, at least rape within it. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I speak

It's All Up To You, California

As many of you know, California will try to do something this fall that no other state has ever done-legalize Marijuana. It would allow for adults over the age of 21 to possess amounts of up to one ounce for personal use and the private cultivation of 25 square feet per household. All of this would be subject to taxation by the state government from cultivation to transportation. Read the article here.

Let me start by saying that I don't personally smoke weed and I'm certainly not going to feed my kids pot brownies and milk for dessert. I'm approaching this from a strictly critical position, not from a marijuana advocate's point of view. As I see it there are more positives to legalizing this substance than the current position of enforcing it both ineffectively and half-ass. Most western states have decriminalized this drug to a point that a $100 fine is the price you pay for "breaking the law."

My experience has been, that most police don't even take the time to write the ticket, they just dispose of the stash. Most countries, Scandinavia particularly, have lenient drug policies and have far fewer problems with drug related crime. Prohibition didn't work in the early 1900's and we are seeing a similar failure in legislation on drugs. The more stigmatized something becomes the more people will do to get it. The taboo nature of drugs make them all the more notorious. This brings me to my first point.

Large sums of money are spent each year by every state to police users of Cannabis. This money could be put towards state budget deficits or the much needed improvements in education. A size reduction of police forces and drug enforcement personnel is one of the easiest ways to loosen up budget funds. Not to mention, it would give policemen a chance to focus on legitimate crimes that are real threat to American security.

Speaking of budgets, if many states had legalized Marijuana in the wake of the economic recession they could have avoided their massive budgetary blunders. California alone, speculates that this legislation could equal a few billions of dollars per year in extra state funding. That ultimately wouldn't fix their economic woes, but it would be a move in the right direction. The politicians backing this initiative are more focused on the taxes than they are on the core facts. In my opinion, this is the same as states legalizing gay marriage. As soon as one state passes it, the rest will jump on the bandwagon. Too bad it's for the wrong reason.

A good reason would be, that it would help to curb drug violence on the border of Mexico. The government set prices would make the substance cheaper, undercutting the drug cartels dealing significant blows to their cash stream. It would be easier to procure marijuana and make it safer for users. Marijuana can, at times, be dipped in insecticide and other harmful chemicals to manipulate the smoker into believing its of high quality. The government would set standards, making it that much safer to smoke and consume. I would like more conclusive medical studies on long-term smoking of marijuana before I give it a full recommendation.

Job creations is another reason that I'm a staunch supporter of this change in policy. My sincere hope is that the government will not take over this agriculture venture and will allow for privatization and Laissez-Faire economics. It will spur jobs for both the educated and un-educated. The growth process will require significant hard labor and scientific ingenuity in the labs of biology and botany. Business sects already in place, such as marketing, sales, and production will also profit.

There are also medical reasons for passing this referendum. There are many people that suffer from chronic pain that can easily be numbed by smoking a joint. As always, my mantra is that if it doesn't negatively affect me, it doesn't bother me. You don't see belligerent behavior due to weed, you don't see domestic disputes, and you definitely don't have over-doses. These are all effects due to alcohol use, a substance so ingrained in our culture that its even part of religious ceremony. Could weed be next?

There are a plethora of reasons that this law should pass. Whether it does or not, that is a very different question. I've only listed a few of the many reasons here because I could write an entire novel on this topic. I had to post a picture of my alma mater's 420 celebration, enjoy. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Gay or Straight, I Still See a Soldier

I know I promised a blog about the Prius, but I couldn't help myself when it came to the Don't Ask Don't Tell rule in the military. Why is it when we are fighting multiple wars, altering health care and working towards non-nuclear proliferation do we have a struggle for equal opportunity in the armed forces? This should be an easy open and closed case. Everyone should be able to serve, transvestites and all.

Could it be the perceived, and stereotyped, femininity that causes people to be uncomfortable with them protecting our country? Does theirs limp wrists impede their rifle holding skills? Of course not, its people's ignorance and inability to adapt the system. I can't help but assume that this topic might hit too close to home for many Americans,due to their own repressed homosexual fantasies. Gay men aren't attracted to every man that passes by, just like straight men aren't attracted to every woman. Look at that, there are some comparisons to made between gay and straight men. Their homosexuals, not rapist-lets get that into prospective.

I bet if you did an honest anonymous pole, the percentage of closeted gays within the military outpaced that of the entire population. Homosexuals as a group tend to be more masculine than their hetero counter parts, not to mention more wealthy, which I can only attribute to a higher IQ and intelligence level. Why wouldn't we want these individuals in the military? I say more the merrier. No joke intended. Embrace their strengths. Don't publicly shame them in a way that most closely mimics witch hunts.

Occurrence of female rape, within the military, is so high that a woman soldier is more likely to be raped then shot in battle. And these are the accounts that are actually reported. With homosexuals there is absolutely no chance this could happen. A random and probably inconsequential comparison. Everyone man and woman should have the right to fight for Fight for their country, regardless of sexual orientation. Gay or straight if these crazy fucks want to step in front of a bullet, I say let them, because I'm sure as hell not about to volunteer.

You'd think with the tarnished image the military has, they'd be licking their wounds, not further degrading what's left of their public image. What are they worried about? A little grab ass, hanky panky in the barracks at night? I pose that some of the straight soldiers may be threatened because of the minute chance that a homosexual could do their jobs as well, if not better. Imagine that, they're human too. Or, could it be the religious association of military and god (I refuse to capitalize this.) Once again we see the poisonous hand of religion destroying a great American institution, our hegemonic facilitator.

Are we going to limit someones public life due to what they choose to do in the confines of their own home? Not to mention, that their sexual orientation doesn't affect anyone negatively. We should ashamed, dictating what's acceptable. I pose this challenge, provide one example of negative effects perpetrated by a gay officer. Can't come up with one? Figures. My mantra is as long as it doesn't adversely affect me, it's your business. You know what most likely does cause negative effects, repressed sexual feelings. Catholic priests anyone? They're in a significant limbo because of sexual discrimination similar to what is enforced in the military.

As a military officer, nothing you say is private, even to a lawyer a priest or a doctor. This doesn't leave a lot of non bias people to confide in. This pensive can could very likely be connected to the bloated suicide rate we are experiencing in the military. All this because some bigoted hypocrites Decided that they didn't want gays in the armed forces? It's such an arcane law, a relic of times long past fortified by a religious group that's likely to become extinct due to elicit sexual perversions perpetrated by it's ambassadors of faith.

Soldiers are going to be gay, people are going to openly smoke weed, and the American people aren't silently going to be indoctrinated anymore. Instead of segregating into groups, we need to work as one solid body, especially in a world with rogue countries such as Iran and North Korea, fighting wars on two fronts, a feat most military men thought to be impossible. The military used to be able to say fuck you, and alienate anyone they wanted. This has changed and it's a harsh reality that's going to come crashing down on them if they don't strive for some sense of equality.

The clouds of public opinion are gathering, signifying a unified opposition to blatantly bigoted laws. One of the highest ranking military officials already backed the repeal of this law, on record, leading to the current "more lenient" status, whatever that dubious statement might mean in bureaucrat speak. I feel like these euphemisms are an insult to my intelligence. Just say what you mean, you aren't ready to drop the law but you want to seem like you're actually doing something to appease the people that actually have hearts and brains. That was easy, wasn't it?

I mean shit, we can clone animals, we can travel to space, we can even do full-face transplants, why are their such inconsistencies within our democracy? We can wrap our heads around just about anything, but the second a person of a different sexual orientation wants to help defend the country, fuck them? And the don't ask don't tell rule??? Who came up with the name? Are we playing fucking hide and seek? What grade are we in? Shooting range after recess, I call the M4! No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Health Care, Idiot

Ok, so I thought I should post a quick something about the passage of the health care bill, as it will have a momentous effect on how federal money is used in the years to come. This legislative process reminds me of two kids fighting over a communal toy. It's become a battle between two groups that are supposed to, and I say that lightly, be working as one unit for the collective good. Does that sound anything like what we've been seeing within the House of Representatives and the Senate? Absolutely fucking not! These highly educated people are acting in a manner that, I'm embarrassed to say, borders on juvenile. Now that I've officially berated these public SERVANTS, I can get to the meat of this.

I'll never claim to have a full understanding of this 2000 page bill and all the little nitty, gritty details that pander to each representatives constituents, but I can give my honest opinion about where this is heading and what I think.

First I would like to say that medical legislation shouldn't be tallied up like some moral and ethical victory for the democrats. This isn't about politicians, its about the blue collar Americans that are sick and need help. The Democrat's, either you're with us, or against us mentality borders on, what many call "liberal-fascism." I don't enjoy having something forced down my throat, that in no way can be perceived as a black and white issue. So don't make me feel that way. One thing that's definitely black and white, is that there are serious flaws in our health care system. I point to countries of far less wealth and organization that rank way above the USA in medical standards. How can this be? You can point fingers and spout meaningless epithets, but this must be universally accepted and recognized as completely unacceptable. Now that I've made that clear, there are a few more things that I need to say to each political party in the wake of their extremist polarization.

The Democrats shouldn't be using the signing of this bill as a big fuck you to the Republican party. We know you don't along. These visceral emotions do nothing but further infuriate the American people that already view the two houses as sick and dysfunctional, so stop fueling the fire. Remember that, for at least the near future (mid term elections), you're going to have to work with these people as a unified body.

To the Republicans, don't see this as a lost battle. Try to work with what legislation has passed to represent the people of your states and districts. The Founding Fathers intended for the political process to be an enthralling act, filled with dissention and angst. If we didn't argue and fight, this country wouldn't be the amazing interconnected organism it currently is. Some of the greatest minds of our time have worked to fix the medical programs in America. I admit, it definitely isn't perfect and may never be, but standing back and watching it fail and saying "I told you so," in my mind, would be an insult to the people that elected you. One more thing, yes this is going to be expensive for the United States. What comes easy and for free? Nothing of value, that's what. I agree that we need to reel in the national deficit through austerity measures, I will give you that. Crippling this bill will only further depress a nation that is showing political fervor in a way that makes me proud to be an American.

On the abortion issue, I say: you should be ashamed President Obama. You have floundered once again and look weak on the national and international scales at a time when the country most needs your strength. All the more disappointing, you weren't even kowtowing to your arch nemesis, the Republican Party. It was crazy Orthodox Christians of your own political association that ruined a decidedly divisive issue. Once again, Religion has poisoned something that could have been even better. I can't stand these pseudo cult members making themselves comfortable in our governing body. If you aren't aware of what I'm talking about concerning Religion's dangerous hand in the world, please read God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything by Christopher Hitchens and watch Religulous, a documentary by one of my all-time favorites, Bill Maher.

Please comment and start discussions. This is just the very vanguard of what I could say about such sweeping moves towards Universal Health Care. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Next Blog - Toyota Prius

Did you have fun in college? If you did, read this.

In respect to my college education, would I have been better off investing this money else where? Is a college education no longer a safe investment? Let's play the "what if game?". Unless you have a degree that equals a title upon graduation or you went to an Ivy-League institution, you're shit out of luck. In spite of the most minor or major of connections, even in the form of cronyism, many rarely mature into legitimate employment. Then there's the nepotistic tradition of family business. If you're so lucky to have this opportunity, I have a few things to say to you: fuck you and yes I'm bitter. The third thing I might say is, does daddy have any openings?

I don't sling crack rock and I don't have a killer jump-shot, which means that my search for the dare-to-be-great situation continues. Everyone is capable of being genius, amazing, gifted at something. The lucky ones find it at a young age and run with it. Then there's the second group, myself included, that struggle with day to day life, trying so hard to fill that void.

Reality Bites had it right. A movie that cyclically has people relating to it, depending upon the economic environment of the time. It has a timeless point to make-post college is a constant struggle where you are burdened with the task of defining your place within the societal hierarchy. I came out of college thinking the world owed me something. This is dead wrong. With one of the worst recessions in history, not only does the world not owe you something, but it probably doesn't even know you exist.

For many, the issue is that we can't translate our innate abilities onto paper. My resume in no way represents the things that I've done or am are capable of. Under-achieving and under-employed is where many of us find ourselves, hopelessly flailing around like small children in the deep end of the swimming pool. This will last until that one shining moment when someone takes pity and we are bequeathed with our first chance to tear the world a new one. When you do receive this golden nugget, hold onto it for dear life because you never know when the next recession will come.

Are we a lost generation, that for now, is stuck in a metaphorical purgatory? I point to the naivete due to childhood dillusions, fueled by comments like " you can be whatever you want to be," that will land crippling blows to our confidence, not to mention our retirement age. I don't mean to be a Debby downer, but there are some harsh realities that we're shielded from and in my case has led to feelings of disillusionement and crazy thoughts (this blog). No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Toyota Prius - The Silent Assassin Strikes Again

I wrote this blog post really quickly while at work today, so don't be too harsh and if you don't like it, fuck off.

So a few weekends back, I was walking my bulldog in the dog park near my house. On my way back I was nearly run over by a sneaky little Prius. They are so damn quiet, it could have run me over and silently slipped away. If these aren't being used for drive by shootings in Detroit yet, there's a problem. Oh ya, they're foreign made. The gangster's drive-by vehicle of choice, Gangster's chariot? The fact they don't have a proper breaking system, concerns me as well. I think Toyota should get Rick Ross as a spokesman, it would make his cocaine transactions that much more covert. I see the headlines now "Toyota Prius sought for questioning in crimes all over the city."

I see the Toyota Prius everywhere. Wait lists for these vehicles were approaching almost a year in length and the only question I can ask is, why? First, I would like to say they are abhorrently ugly, both in design and color, with a price tag I hardly find worth it. Why pay over 25 thousand dollars for a car that looks about as safe as a Yugo? There's a certain poser stigma that I perceive when people purchase these cars. Get off your fucking high horse, you aren't the saviour of mother earth. You're simple a douche idiot that read one expose' in Newsweek about the impending environmental disaster. Don't you feel like an idiot? Well, you should, especially following "Climate Gate."

This technology is getting better with each day, but as of now it doesn't seem nearly there. Let me tell you why. First, the carbon footprint created by developing the technology and the actual production of the physical Prius far outstrips the amount of gas you will save. Keeping your old clunker would've been better for the environment? Ya, it would have, mind boggling isn't it? People don't seem to understand that if a vehicle isn't used or re-sold it goes to the scrap yard and eventually helps the release of methane, a far worse greenhouse gas than CO2.

One of the most pressing issues with these cars is the batteries. The chemicals and resources used to develop them are highly toxic and throughout the life of the car necessitate changing. That being said, I've heard that replacing the batteries can be quite an expensive procedure, requiring both more carbon emissions and chemicals. Wait, I thought the point was to reduce carbon emissions? Battery technology isn't progressing in same fashion as computers, stated by Moore's Theory. Once we can figure out how to more efficiently charge the batteries and increase the distance traveled on each charge, I might be swayed to change over. For now, I'll keep my clunker.

How many people do you know that can work on the intricate electrical system in the Prius? Not many, probably not your local garage. This poses yet another problem. You will pay a great deal to have it fixed I presume, as well as it will require a visit to your local dealer. The Toyota Prius has been getting around 45 miles per gallon. That sounds impressive right? Ok, mull this over-my dad had a VW diesel in the 1970's that got the same gas mileage as the current Prius. A car that has Tonka Truck sized wheels and low curb-weight should, by default, get good gas mileage. I can't in my right mind, attribute the Prius's heightened MPG strictly to its status as a hybrid. Compare the Toyota Yaris, a far cheaper commuter car.

What does this say to me? That car companies should be investing money in expanding the use of diesel engines. We can't simply wait for a battery miracle. Its both my opinion, and many others, that in the years to come you will see more diesel vehicles. I point to VW and Mercedes Benz, two premium car companies that both have multiple diesel cars gracing highways in both Europe and the US. They're a good option to hybrid even with a slightly higher price tag and the challenge of finding a diesel station. Diesel and gas cars are going to be around for decades to come, especially with the recent expansion of off-shore drilling by President Barack Obama.

I may be coming off as someone who rejects Global Warming and that couldn't be farther from the truth. What I am, is someone that isn't going to be a mindless drone consuming "green technology" that is far from being ready, its simply imprudent. Companies, such as Toyota, aren't altruistic environmentalists, their a company playing off on a niche market. The green movement will make a lot of people rich, assuming we don't crack nuclear fusion. Ok, that's joke...mostly. As much as I don't see the worth in the Prius, I do believe its a move in the right direction. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I speak

Old Men Sometimes Dress Like Hussies

Just a quick note. I went to the sports club after work tonight for a quick sweat and would like to pose a few questions. Do you become bolder with age? I ask this of those older men that deem it ok to wear nut-huggers to the gym, you know who you are, and you should be ashamed! You don’t miraculously get in better shape with age, why would you show more? And finally, what wife lets them leave the house like that? I don’t push my girlfriend out the door in booty shorts and a wet t-shirt, it just isn’t prudent. Don't strut your stuff, unless you actually have stuff to strut. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

My Big Mouth Used to Get Me in Trouble

My older sister used to beat the shit out of me. I admit it. I remember she used to chase me around the house in circles until the inevitable occurred-she overtook me. No amount of serpentine juke moves could shake her resolve, and I ended up eating grass and admitting, under water-boarded conditions, I may add, that she was the “best” and I was the “worst.” As a side note, she was tall and strong way beyond her age.

What really chaps my ass is, that now that I’ve eclipsed her in size, it’s deemed unacceptable for me to force feed her handfuls of freshly uprooted grass. Can you imagine me now chasing her around the house at Christmas? Ending most likely with a serious white washing and a couple of thong wedgies. You better beleive all this is attributed to repressed memories of what I vividly compare to Korean POW torture.

I remember I would pull her hair or throw something at her and the whole escapade would start again. My father would play the ultimate wizard behind the curtain, provoking her to chase me down in the ritual manner that terrorized my early years. It sounds sick and I have no qualms that my dad ultimately enjoyed watching me run for my life, simultaneously screaming like a girl, as they both used to phrase it, because of the abnormal behavior I displayed at a young age that most easily would be categorized as rambunctious. Euphemisms aside, this story still makes me smile and laugh to myself. No apologies, I Don’t Think Before I Speak

Next post - Fat People Make the World Go'Round

Fat People Make the World Go' Round

Last week, a news story broke about Donna Simpson, a woman that is striving, yes you heard me, striving, to become the fattest woman alive. She is currently hovering around 600lbs and is attempting to reach 1000lbs at her peak. If you haven't seen this story, please indulge is some truly horrifying journalism. Most likely, if you're anything like me, you'll read this story and finish with a nasty taste in your mouth and a feeling of total disdain.

Her nearly 800 dollar a week food habit is supported by men that pay to watch her eat fattening foods online, such as hamburgers and donuts. This is almost as despicable and disgusting as the suicide sites that allow you watch someone off themselves. In addition her boyfriend, ya I couldn't believe it either, helps take care of her increasingly demanding diet. He weighs in at 150lbs, at about one quarter her body weight, he obviously has about roughly the same proportion of brain cells, to support this masochistic act of selfishness.

Each year America struggles, with what Michael Pollan, a much revered food specialist, calls “Western Diseases” and an obesity epidemic and even with this knowledge we have a woman striving for deteriorated health. Her actions are a perfect example of why many countries hate us and refer to us as “Fat Americans”. Foreigners only see the outer shell of America, or in this case, a woman's fat ass.

What some don't quite understand is that what we healthy people pay in health insurance is used to subsidize sick people, Simpson included. She may not have health problems now, but just give it time. This should be taken as a direct insult to those that really can't control their weight through thyroid issues, or have other uncontrolled health conditions. She exemplifies the type of the person that lives through this then immediately gets some obscure ailment, like the Ebola virus. Yes, that would work real nice, Karma and irony. Talk about a canabal's wet-dream, Jefferey Dahmner is rolling around in his grave, restless he didn't get a whack at this woman.

Congrats you’re an obese white trash degenerate, consuming as much food and media attention as possible while simultaneously trading your health and dignity for two minutes of fame. You’ll be forgotten soon enough, and will develop type two diabetes as your reward. This rates at about the same level of desperation as the bubble-boy fabrication. Let me give you both a piece of advice, not everyone is meant to be, or will become famous, swallow your mediocrity, or in this case, your position at the very bottom of the gene pool and move on with your lives. On that note, I'm off to eat a hamburger in her honor. No Apologies, I Don't Think Before I Speak

Few Final Thoughts:

When she walks does it force the earth off it's axis like the earth quake in Haiti? Ok, maybe that one was a little too soon. You can thank Simpson here because today was infinitesimally shorter than the day before. Look out here comes the walking apocalypse with a serious case of stretch marks! That picture scares me a little. If I was the photographer I'd back off before she reaches for the camera next. On that note, I’m off to eat a burger in her honor.

Next Post:

Toyota Prius - The Silent Assassin Strikes Again

A Retrospective - Tiger Woods You Are a Putz

For the world’s most focused and intelligent golfer, you are dumb as fuck when it comes to having multiple affairs. Repeat this with me: get head out of ass, and then fornicate with half the wait staff in America. My question is, did he tip them 20% after? Another thing that bothered me is, if you were going to cheat, why these women? He took a serious step down in comparison to his wife. If you're going to commit adultery and put all that you have on the line, have the deceny to do it with a smoking hottie. Jersey-chasing socialites that work as club promoters would not have been my first choice. He may have been on to something with the pornstar. I will give him that.

Christ Tiger, you could go to New Guinea and would still be recognized. They might confuse him with Barack Obama, but still. He is considered one of the, if not the most, recognizable people on earth. If he was a brand, he'd be Coca Cola.

I can’t help but think that Tiger was going out of his way to create a problem for himself. Was he actively searching for his own complete and utter downfall? People with too much money tend to do crazy shit, or maybe he wasn’t getting the Tiger-required slew of press attention? It has always been my opinion that people with perfect lives sometimes find them too perfect and look for disastrous ways out.

Most men can’t handle their one significant other. Can you imagine having five girls asking you to go out and buy them tampons? Maybe Woods has some masochistic fantasies that includes torturing himself with lady-drama. At least with hookers they are paid to leave and…this is key Tiger, (are you taking notes?)to keep their mouths shut. If he had just gone the sleazy route and taken cues from people, such as Charlie Sheen and Hugh Grant, he might have been able to conceal some of sexual faux pas's. The question that still remains is whether he will be remembered as the great philanderer that had a decent golf swing, or simply just the greatest golfer to walk the course?

To be purely tangental, sex addiction is a complete and utter copout and regardless of this fact, I still like to think that the great sexually addicted triumvirate- Tiger Woods, David Duchovany, and Charlie Sheen all sitting around at sex rehab laughing and telling in-depth stories about dephiling women and their future carnal escapades, possible foursome there? Tiger calls shotgun ass, he does always performs well when he plays the back nine.

They’re looking to legitimize a “disease” that isn’t even recognized by the bona fide medical community, while digging for sympathy from anyone stupid enough to swallow some of the human interest journalism that makes me throw up in my mouth a little each day. The only thing they would get from me is a solid kick in the gonads. Congratulations, guys for cheating on your super sexy and faithful wives and consequently reverting the entire male sex back to the hairy ape men that we once were.

Women no longer trust us due to indiscretion by public figures like these, and indirectly halting all random acts of sexual promiscuity men like me might get. Are you happy Tiger? I blame Woods personally for my sexual drought. It started the second his scandal broke, coincidence? I think not. I don’t have millions of dollars to lure women in that these guys do. Talk about fishing with dynamite. While women have been incrementally improving themselves over the years, it seems men are dead set on regressing through acts blatant of idiocy.

What drives me truly crazy is that these social calamaties may make these notable figures more famous than ever. They do good, they become famous, they do bad, they become infamous. How the fuck is that fair? I wish I could take a giant shit on my fan base and not only would they thank me, they would ask for seconds. Such is the life of a celebrity. No apologies, I Don’t Think Before I Speak

A View from the Outside

I was just looking over my first post and my past reads like a video application for a reality television show, Real World here I come. Which character archetype would I be? Please don’t say the alcoholic instigator. It just isn’t so. Multiple family divorces/spats, boarding school, and a half sister that’s twelve years younger than me, as a cherry on top. All I need now is my father to marry a woman twenty years younger as his trophy and to buy a gaudy cherry red sports car. It reminded me of a few years back, when my older sister and I would go shopping and bring the half-ling along with us and I could feel the eyes of strangers upon us like hawks, trying to figure out if our half sister was our offspring, or merely a result of what I call the “Great American Family.” No apologies, I Don’t Think Before I Speak

Next blog - Tiger Woods You Are a Putz

Hello World, I'm Going to Tear You a New One

I write my thoughts because I know if I was to spout my random verbal diarrhea (my opinion) in public, one of the follow would surely ensue: I’d get slapped, someone would throw change in my hat, or I’d get elected to public office.

I attribute my free flowing idealisms to a teacher I had in ninth grade of boarding school. Yes, that’s right boarding school. Back the fuck off, I wasn’t a troubled kid and no it wasn’t an all boys outfit…at least the second one wasn’t, oops. Where was I? Oh ya, free flowing idealisms, or what many would call, “rants and raves” (could that idiom be overused by bloggers a little more?) My ninth grade teacher used to make us sit down at the beginning of class and “free write” where the pencil was intended to translate whatever might be running through the head of a pubescent teen early in the morning.

The catch was that you couldn’t stop writing the entire time. I couldn't ever predict quite what was going to come flying out. I’m assuming most simpletons were writing about repressed thoughts and memories-boy wouldn’t Freud be proud, but I was writing all the crazy things that shouldn’t be said, put on paper, or hell, even thought. Instead of honing this skill and realizing that if I'd just put this on the internet, blogging would have been mine, I brushed it off as a teacher trying maybe just a little too hard. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Fuck, I was ahead of the curve and I didn't even know it. Whats the saying? Hindsight is 20/20?

What authority do I have to be self publishing my work online? None, I’m over educated and underemployed. I’m a die hard Red Sox fan that drinks too much and probably fornicates too little. I’m 24 years old and have little life experience, so what? What have you ever done? You may call me an internet tough guy. In many ways that’s dead-on and as a response I’m going to tell you the truth subjectively about whatever I want, exactly how you don’t want to hear it. No apologies, I Don’t Think Before I Speak